Harry James Potter

[private]

He comes to me in my dreams, and I do not know how to fight him off. There is the dreamless sleep potion, but that kind of sleep for too long becomes unrestful. At least it does for me. I've added sound charms to my room so that I will not wake my dad when I scream out. I think he is aware of it. There are nights when I find Padfoot in my room when I don't remember crying out in my sleep.

Voldemort comes for me. Sometimes it's in the childhood home I should not remember. The home where he killed my parents and attempted to murder me. Sometimes it's at Hogwarts. Sometimes it's in a cemetery. He is there and he taunts me.

He kills them, one by one, as I scream at him to fight me instead. Sirius, Remus, Cedric and Luna are powerless against him. Just as I am powerless to save them.

Sometimes I wake up speaking parseltongue, unaware of why I am doing so, but Padfoot's whining makes me stop. It is on those mornings that I have a hard time looking my dad in the eyes. He knows the nightmares won't stop, but he doesn't know what to do. Between Remus and myself I'm surprised he's getting any sleep of his own.

I wish for this to be over, once and for all.

He's dreaming, tossing and turning and gripping the sheets, completely unaware that what he's seeing is just a dream. You'd think by now that he would know what reality turns into some twisted version his subconscious thinks up, but he's completely unaware. The nightmares have gotten more violent and frequent lately. Harry still remains his father's apartment, but he hasn't confessed to his dad or uncle about the dreams.

He doesn't want Sirius to feel obligated to stay with him when it's clear that his uncle needs him more. Amycus did a lot of damage in that basement, and it was Remus who carries most of the scars. Harry doesn't want Remus to feel guilty for his nightmares. He doesn't want his dad to feel conflicted between who he should stay with.

Harry hasn't told Luna and Cedric about the dreams because he thinks they'll run to his godfather and uncle and tell them everything. Of course they would. Harry would be tempted to do the same if either of them were experiencing dreams so vivid that it was hard to know when you truly woke up from it. He's become so good at keeping secrets lately.

Sometimes he thinks he's keeps them from himself.

Tonight he's slithering on the ground of a graveyard. Moving as fluidly as a snake, curling around someone's ankles that are pale pale white, and look almost inhumane. "The final task approaches. You know what we must do." The sound of the voice is high pitched, and it makes Harry hiss like the snake he moves like.

"Everything is in place, my lord," Carrow says like the obedient servant he has been trained to be.

"You will lose everything, Harry Potter," the high pitched voice says. He's laughing as he lashes out a kick at Harry. Harry flies through the air, twisting and turning like a snake in motion. When he lands, he's back to his usual body. Looking around the cemetery he sees the names on the headstones. His parents, Sirius, Remus, Cedric, Luna, and he screams. He screams for help.


"You will lose everything, Harry Potter."

"No, please, leave them alone. I won't let you hurt them." He's angry. On his feet, wand at the ready, he runs through this cemetery hunting his prey. He hears that high pitched laughter, and spots red eyes glaring at him. "Avada..."

"You will lose everything, Harry Potter."

The spell falls from his lips, but the green light doesn't wrap around Voldemort at all. Instead it's Sirius who takes the spell straight to the chest. His eyes are wide with shock, and on his lips is a trace of a smile. It takes him forever to fall, yet Harry can't reach him in time.

"DAD, NO, PLEASE, NO."

"It's too late, Harry," Remus says, holding the lad back as he struggles to reach his godfather's lifeless body. "It's too late for us. You have to save yourself."

Harry wakes up screaming for his father.

Harry had withdrawn a lot from friends and family ever since his encounter with Amycus and Moony in the basement. If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he started to withdraw from them after his encounter with Fenrir on the Quidditch pitch. Things had been quiet for a bit now. He was working with his dad and uncle on defense techniques. It was in those sessions with Remus that he finally started to relax in his uncle's presence again.

The third task was rapidly approaching, and Harry was starting to feel that he could face it. The nightmares were still bothering him more than he was willing to admit, but when he was awake his confidence was there. He felt more like himself than he had since all of this stuff with Carrow, Fenrir and Voldemort began. Slowly he tried to get over his issues with people, particularly Luna and Cedric, as they didn't deserve to have him pull away. They'd always supported him, and he felt guilty for not leaning on them now.

He told himself he was trying to be fair. After all, he had Sirius and Remus to help him prepare for the third task. It was only fair that he left Luna to be with Cedric. He knew they were no more fooled by these excuses than he was. On the Thursday night, two weeks before the final task was set to start, Harry sent an owl to both Cedric and Luna that said:

I've been a right prat these last few weeks. If you can find it within yourselves to forgive me, meet me in my father's apartment after dinner. I've missed you both. Love, Harry

It was charmed strictly for their eyes of course. He wasn't taking any chances of the notes falling in the wrong hands. He'd skipped dinner because he felt nervous now that he was finally ready to spend some quality time alone with his boyfriend and girlfriend. He took a quick shower, dressed comfortably in jeans and a red cotton hoodie, and then set himself busy in the kitchen making tea and baking cookies. Only Sirius Black's son would find comfort in baking.

Things might be a bit awkward between the lot of them, but wasn't that how it went with love? If you loved someone they had the power to hurt you, but they also had the power to heal you. Harry was tired of hurting those he loved. It was time to start healing.

[open to Cedric and Luna]

1. Room of Requirement
2. Prefects bathroom
3. Shrieking shack
4. 12 Grimmauld place
5. The Quidditch Pitch
6. Kings Cross station
7. The beach at the island
8. Various spots in Paris
9. Various spots in the Caribbean
10. A professor's office.

The letter is written and then sent to his vault at Gringotts. Instructions are left with a goblin that it is only to be delivered along with the key to the vault to his godfather should Harry not survive the final task.

Dear Dad,

I am hoping that this letter will not be necessary. It's my hope that I will return from the final task, come to the vault, find this letter, and laugh at how scared I was. Merlin, I am so terrified, and I know that you can sense it. I'm quite certain that you, Uncle Remus, Luna and Cedric can all sense it. Unfortunately I am sure that Carrow and Fenrir are well aware of how terrified I am too. That was their goal was it not? To make me feel alone, paranoid, and absolutely terrified that I am not ready for what awaits me.

It's strange that I honestly can't recall ever being so terrified. It's been building all years, but you would think I would have experienced fear before. Children are naturally afraid of what they do not understand, yes? I don't recall ever being terrified for long periods of time. I knew that any nightmare would be soothed by you and Uncle Remus. Any danger that awaited me you would protect me from. I never anticipated that he could return. I thought...I don't know what I thought. I'm tired of being so bloody scared, Sirius.

When I was little I would run to you and Uncle Remus and that would be the end of it. Now they're targeting the both of you as well as my boyfriend and girlfriend. Cedric and Luna should not be targets anymore than you and Remus should be. I know you're saying that I shouldn't be either, but I was one all along was I not?

If I do not survive this final task I want you to know how grateful I am that it was you who raised me. My childhood was bloody well brilliant. You and Uncle Remus were the best parents anyone could ask for. There has never been a moment where I doubted that you would protect me. There had never been a moment when I wished for some other life. Even as much as I wish my parents had lived I know that life wouldn't have changed that much for me. You and Uncle Remus still would have been there, every step, every word, every accomplishment and every scraped knee. I am so proud to be your son, and I want you to know that they did not succeed in making me doubt you and Uncle Remus. Deep down, in my heart, I have always known that I am your child, and that the both of you love me unconditionally.

I've been blessed, and I promise you that I will not make it easy for them. If they managed to kill me, I went down fighting, and Merlin I hope they did not take you with me. There is a list enclosed in this letter that explains what I wish to happen to my belongings and money should I not survive. I know that you'll see to it that it is taken care of.

I love you, Dad. More than anyone in the world. I hope that I will be able to tell you that after the task rather than having you receive this via letter.

Love,

Harry

Harry's first word was some combination of 'dadadadadada'. Of course if he could remember that he would probably have loved to see his uncle and godfather teasing his dad that it wasn't a real word. Of course Remus and Sirius had believed, just like James, that their boy was talking. But Remus and Sirius were Marauders. Of course they had to tease and torment James a bit.

"I'm telling you, Moony, Pads, the lad said dada. He's a brilliant boy is he not?" James had asked proudly as the little one babbled on continuously.

"I don't know, Moon. I'm not sure I'm hearing dada," Sirius replied with a straight face. He went as far to lean in to listen to his godson babble. This earned him a quick tug on his hair as Harry grabbed a fistful of it.

James snickered.

So did Remus.

Then Remus gave James a thoughtful look. "Hate to say it, Prongs, but I think he's saying babababababa."

"Like a sheep then?" Sirius howled, half out of laughter, and half from the sheer force of the baby tugging on his hair.

"My son is not a sheep. He said Dada." James lifted his son into his arms without paying care to the hair that was still in Harry's enclosed fist.

"Oi, let it go, Lad. You'll make me bald if you don't quit it." It was Remus who came to Siri's rescue with a simple flick of his wand. "We're only taking the mickey out of you, Prongs. Course the boy is saying Dada."

It was several months later, long after James Potter had been laid to rest next to his wife, Lily, that the clear sound of a word echoed throughout the apartment that Sirius, Remus and Harry were staying at for the Spring Break.

"DAD!"

Sirius dropped the cup that he had been sipping tea from, and Remus had been too distracted by the sound to save it from hitting the floor with a crash. They ran up the stairs to where Harry was supposed to be napping. They found him grinning in his crib looking pleased with himself. "Dad!" He grinned a bit wider as Sirius reached into pick him up. A fist reached out and grabbed a fistful of hair, and for a moment there was silence. The two Marauders exchanged a look that made it clear they were both thinking the same thing; Prongs should have been the first to hear him say it without babbling.

It's been days since everything happened in the basement. Days since he asked his uncle to take the time he needed, but to know that Harry needed him. He did need him. He needed his uncle, his dad, Luna and Cedric to keep him focused. Not just on the final task, but on not losing who he was. Sometimes it was hard to remember who he had been before he met Carrow and Greyback. It was hard to remember a time when he felt comfortable in his own skin.

He wonders if this is how Remus feels all the time. If this feeling of not feeling completely like himself is something that one can become used too. When he sees his reflection in the mirror his eyes no longer remind him of his mother. He'd seen so many pictures of her growing up. He knew the exact shade of green and the shape of them. Because it was the exact shape and shade of Harry's eyes, until now at least. Now they look darker. Less brilliant green. More something haunted.

He's tired because he isn't sleeping well. He's quiet because he doesn't know what to say. Not to his dad who is watching both him and Remus as if he isn't sure which will shatter first. Not to Luna and Cedric who seem haunted in their own ways.

Maybe what disturbs him the most isn't that he isn't comfortable in his own skin, but that none of them seem to be comfortable in theirs as well. How can they stabilize each other if they can't stabilize themselves?

//locked to Cedric and Luna//

The biggest problem we're facing is Amycus Carrow. Yeah, fine, Voldemort too, but it's Carrow who keeps having a go at us. In a way, I guess, I have to say that Fenrir Greyback is an issue too. I'm still not comfortable talking about what happened the night on the Quidditch Pitch. Cedric and Luna have been really great about not pushing me to talk about it. Mind you, they practically had to force me to tell them about what actually happened, but once they had the details they have left it up to me to handle it as I feel ready too.

I love them. I know our relationship is unconventional, but it works for us. It's been the three of us against the world for as long as I can remember. Once we sorted out what we really meant to each other things were brilliant. Then Voldemort came back, and Carrow became an issue. He tortured Cedric, my uncle, and me. He's threatened my dad and Luna. Greyback physically...let's just leave it as he has made me a bit uncomfortable to be intimate. Especially with anyone of the same gender. Which leaves things more than a bit awkward for the three of us. I'm pulling away from Cedric even though I don't want too. Cedric is being understanding. Luna is caught in the middle. It's such a bloody mess. A total mess.

I'm having trust issues after what happened in the Carrow basement with my uncle, Carrow and me. It's effecting my relationships with everyone in my life. Which is only adding further stress to things with Luna, Cedric and myself. I want things to get back to the way they were. If that isn't possible then I'd at least like to be comfortable in the presence of my boyfriend and girlfriend again. Is that too much to ask for?

Harry remains in the shower until the water has turned ice cold. When he turns it off, he dries off quickly before walking into his father's room. It's there that he pulls out pajama pants and a thick sweater from his father's wardrobe. It fits a little big on him, but he thinks it's supposed too. He may be of age, but he doesn't think he should comfortably wear his godfather's clothes. He wonders if he would be able to comfortably wear his dad's. Then he remembers the taunts of Carrow to his uncle about what his dad would think and tears sting his eyes. It's not fair. Things were not supposed to be like this. Nothing was supposed to be able to rip his family apart.

Through everything that has happened he truly believed that he would be okay because he wasn't alone. When he curls up on Sirius's bed he realizes that he's never felt more alone in his life. How can he possibly trust anyone now? How can he possibly trust himself? Voldemort is winning every single round, and Harry is terrified. He's absolutely terrified.

"I'm not ready," he thinks to himself as he picks at a thread on the sweater. He knows better of course. You don't pick at a thread on a sweater unless you want to unravel the entire sweater. One tiny frayed thread can take the entire sweater apart. Harry feels like that sums up his life. Voldemort has found the thread, and he's been unraveling it slowly. Everything is coming apart.

( Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me I am small and needy Warm me up And breathe me )

who? Remus Lupin, Fenrir Greyback, Amycus Carrow, and Harry Potter
What? Part of the aumuses storyline with Remus, Sirius, Cedric, Luna, Harry, and the bad guys
Title: We Do What We're Told
Rating: PG 14ish I guess for mentions of torture and so forth. Don't read if the angst bugs you.

( we do what we're told told to do one doubt one voice one war one truth one dream )

As the days to the full moon approaches, Harry knows to be a little more quiet around the house. He figured that out long before he actually understood why his uncle Remus got moody and sick every month like clockwork. It's the summer which is his favorite time of year. It's the months that he, Remus and Sirius are united together traveling. They rarely stay in one place too long, but it's long enough to make memories.

The day of the full moon, Harry always floos to his Aunt Andromeda's. He doesn't protest or demand to know why he can't stay home by himself. He doesn't even complain about the amount of food that Aunt Andi stuffs him with every time he visits. He's tried to explain that he eats well, and he simply can't gain weight. His dad and uncle tell him it's a lost cause. Andi will always feed them.

It's the night before the full moon, and his bag is already packed for leaving to Andromeda's the next day. Remus has been quietly reading by the fire, and Sirius is in the kitchen with Harry. "I can do it," Harry says in his most quiet tone. He levels his green eyed gaze at his dad in a way that says plainly, 'please let me do it.' Sirius settles himself in at the table and watches as his son mixes the double chocolate cookie dough. Harry looks very determined as he mixes it. There is no magic being used in the kitchen of the beach bungalow they were currently renting. Once he's certain that the mix looks exactly the way his dad's always does, he begins to roll out the dough. He uses the lion cookie cutter he bought earlier in the day while at the market with Sirius to make the Gryffindor cookies. There are tubes of red and gold frosting to help decorate.

An hour or so later, Remus looks up from his book when Harry brings him a plate of his special cookies along with a glass of chocolate milk. Harry sits down at his uncle's feet and munches on a cookie with him. It's his way of saying, 'I hope you feel better soon', without saying the words.

When he hears his uncle read from the book a few moments later Harry knows it's Remus's way of saying, 'I know you do, Harry. Thank you very much.'